The babys mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). 3 Beds. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? So, what could you say when youre ready? Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. Ive requested we go to mediation but she flat-out refuses. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. The Slate advice columnists have a wide range of quality but I actually really like a lot of the parenting ones (particularly Nicole Chung and Jamliah Lemieux), even though I am not a parent. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. My husband thinks thats really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our sons name was Thomas, hed be TLastname2038). New ones are published almost daily. Dear Care and. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? My two questions are: How do these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children? The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. Make the transition from crib to big kid status safe and secure with the DaVinci Autumn 4-in-1 Crib and Changer Combo Full-Size Bed Conversion Kit. interface language. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. She does, however, like to sneak snacks. Advice Column Collection. Intentions arent everything. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. (It pretty much always is. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! I am a woman of color; my wife is white. Shes so lucky youre her daughter! This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. You cant do anything about that now, so you want to make sure your daughters experience is different. We met, got married, and live in her hometown. A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Ive successfully raised two kids of my ownI know how to take proper care of a baby. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. And I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist without her mother present as well as undergoing therapy with her. And youll have to actually mean it. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Uh, No Thanks. Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). And thats not easy. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. Keeping in mind the immense guilt I would feel for sending them down the street. I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. There are two new voices behind Care and Feeding, Slate's parenting advice column, who are going to offer a wide range of guidance to curious and concerned parents. Photo illustration by Slate. World United States United Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . Who knows? You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. Curated by J. (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Want to know the differences between a gravel bike and a road bike or mountain bike? She is an adult. She is leaning toward the private school. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I have two beautiful daughters. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. You have to use headphones.". Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. Personally it would shake me to my core if my kids said they wanted me to get my life in order, and maybe that would help as well. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? And you didnt do that. I dont want them to see me as a burden. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. All rights reserved. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. Ask our columnists a question here! 87 Years After Nazis Stole My Grandfathers Citizenship, Germany Had an Offer for Me. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. 10. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the faith. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. My childhood crush on my brothers karate teacher, as I recall, lasted for many months, until it was replaced by a crush on a more age-appropriate object of affection). In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. What is a gravel bike? She got pregnant, so I swallowed my pride and wholeheartedly accepted Teddy into our now four-person abode. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. Here's the lowdown They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. I asked my daughter to follow two rules while here: Not to bring home endless guests, and that she not get pregnant while living here. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. Photo illustration by Slate. Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this but dont give in. How can I be a supportive figure in her life and not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom? My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Ill wait. I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. Its time for this man to do the same. Jamilah Lemieux and. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? My younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s. All rights reserved. Our 5-year-old misses his friends and the in-person nature of school, but has been doing very well in long-distance kindergarten. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. Each day they do a different task with their word list. 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